Learning to Forgive: How to Let Go and Move Forward

It happens to the best of us: someone has hurt you in some way and you have to chart that long, complicated path toward forgiveness.

Getting to the point of forgiveness can be a journey in itself; one that is rewarding once you can honestly say to the person, and yourself, that you have forgiven him or her for the offense that person did to you.

With forgiveness, we are instructed by Jesus in scripture that “if you forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you” (Matt. 6:14, NKJV). He reiterated the importance of forgiveness again when Peter asked how many times to forgive a brother in Christ. “I do not say to you, up to seven times, but up to seventy times seven” (Matt. 18:22, NKJV).

But the real question is…now what? What do you do now that you have forgiven the person but don’t want a repeat of history with him or her? By forgiveness, does that mean you are only setting yourself up to be hurt by this person again, to be his or her doormat?

It is possible to move forward after forgiving someone, while still protecting yourself from getting hurt again. It takes an evaluation of the relationship, setting boundaries, and finding true and lasting peace.
Step One: It’s Time to Evaluate Your Friendship
To begin, let’s start with a common scenario: a friend has hurt you in a personal way, whether through something said, posted online, or just not being available by choice for you.

You have toiled over forgiving this person and, through long periods of quiet time with God and scriptural reflection, you can finally say that you have forgiven the person from the wrong he or she has done. Your next step is almost as important as the step of forgiveness. You must come to terms with what happened, and navigate your new position with this person is right now.

The first step is taking a brutally honest look at the relationship before the offense was committed. How would you have described your friendship with this person before? Was it pleasant, genuine, convenient, distant, etc.? Were you seeing one another regularly, or were you having to set everything up in getting together with this person?

Making a Decision Based on Your Evaluation
These questions, done in reflective time with God, are to be upfront about what this person’s impact is in your life. You are determining whether the person has had a positive or negative impact in your life, evaluating your interactions with the person, seeing if the offense is a regular pattern with the person, and even whether you and your friend had more in common years ago than you do presently.

Journaling these feelings might be a good step to take in order to see your thoughts on paper and the true status of your friendship written out in the open for you. It could be shocking revelations, or it could be hints from years past that have finally formed a realistic picture of your friend to you.

Write down also what you feel God is telling you in regards to this person, what He is revealing to you about this person, and where He wants the relationship to go. The book of Proverbs, especially, encourages us to seek God’s wisdom on this and all matters: “For the Lord gives wisdom; from His mouth comes knowledge and understanding” (Prov. 2:6, NKJV). This shows God always has the right answers!